Monday, April 12, 2010

22 Chuck Norris Facts

Warning: This post has nothing to do with running.

My running is going so well, I'm afraid to jinx it by writing about it. Or thinking about it. Or even doing it. (That explains why I left my shoes at home today when I planned to run after work).

So, today is all about Chuckie. Everything you always wanted to know about Chuck Norris* but were afraid to ask.


22 Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

* Go ahead. Insert your name here. You know you want to.
** That means you, lawmonkey.


  1. :) ...where do you get this stuff!

    BTW...I got my Gu today...thanks so much!!!!! I'll let you know how it goes when I try it next weekend.

  2. LMAO!!! this is a post I can get behind! Psyche, you're too kind to me!

  3. There must be something in the ether, as you channel Chuck Norris and I channel cavewomen!

  4. So funny--are you pres. of his fan club?

  5. Let's see if I can remember these correctly.

    * When Chuck Norris does a push up, he is actually pushing the rest of the earth down.

    * When Chuck Norris fills out his taxes, he just sends a blank form with his pictures. Never been audited (that one was funny in its correct form, but I messed it up).

    * Chuck Norris can have fun and games even after he loses an eye