5 Jokes Friday: LOST

Dare I continue with the LOST theme? Sure, why not? What's the worst that could happen....?

Here are your 5 jokes:

Joke #1: Why Did The Smoke Monster Cross The Road?
Q: Why did the Smoke Monster cross the road?
A: To get to the other Sayid.


Joke #2: LOST Lightbulb
Q: How many survivors of Flight 815 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them--If they don't change it together, then bulb is going to die alone!

Joke #3: How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich, by the Losties

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout "HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?"
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering "I don't need no sandwich".
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one's looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves 2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway .
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone's knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich "brother"
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else's sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you'll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Claire
1. Mmmmmmm, peanut butter

Darlton
1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
2. Have someone take a bite, then tell them it's a baloney sandwich
3. Make up a whole bunch of other shit, then say you had planned it all along
4. Buy a few yachts


Joke #4: Another LOST Lightbulb
Q: How many survivors of Flight 815 does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to put in the light bulb and Kate to do the screwing.

Joke #5 : LOST Knock Knoc
Knock Knock
Who's There?
The Oceanic Six
The Oceanic Six who?
That's what we want to know! HA HA HA HA!


Happy Friday, everyone! I'll say right now this has been a slugfest of a week and I am very, very behind on reading everyone's blogs. I am dying to read Chris McPeake's Sulpher Springs 100 race report! I promise to catch up with you all on Sunday.

I am off to the NC/TN border tonight to camp on the AT with some new friends (read: people I have never met) and run from Carver's Gap to 19E and back tomorrow morning. I should be in for some good times and pretty scenery.

Here is how this "fun run" is described:

The start of this marathon is at the top of Carvers Gap (5512 feet) and is run to Hwy 19E all along the AT. You can choose to carry all your food and water or drop some at 19E as we usually do just before the run. Once you reach 19E then you head back uphill for 13.6 miles back to Carvers Gap. Try and negative split that one.

Date: 6.12.10

Start: 7am

Distance: 27.2 miles

Elevation (net): 7,500 feet

Cost: free

Good times: guaranteed

5 Jokes Friday

On June 13th I'm leading a Scout Hike to Rattlesnake Lodge. Here is a good description of the hike:

This is one of those hikes that holds natural and man-made wonders, making it a special hike for both dogs and their people. The trail is named for the actual Rattlesnake Lodge, which sat tucked away in this hidden mountaintop retreat for about twenty years in the early 1900s. The stone remains of the lodge await at the end of the trail, a treat for history buffs and anyone with a sense of curiosity.

So, off I set to canvass the 1.5 out-and-back trail to see what we were in for. Here's what I found, in pictures, on the way up and back. What really amazes me, is that this trail is 4.7 miles from my garage. It's amazing to me that I live in such a beautiful place.














There's never an easy segueway into "5 Jokes Friday", so...

Here are yer jokes:


1. Smith Loses $500
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect fortheir fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing timestanding up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."


2. An Old Man Was Critically Ill
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

3. A Guy Trying To Console A Friend

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wifein bed with another man."Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But whatif you came home one night and caught another man in bed withyour wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his caneand kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

4. Another Blonde Joke

Why does a blonde girl always have a bruise around her belly button???

Cause blonde boys aren't that smart either.

5. Another Lawyer Joke

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

I wish everyone a wonderful long weekend! I, for one, am planning a long trail run tomorrow out at "Big Ivy". I'm sure to get lost on this one, so I expect this to be an adventure! Whee Ha!

5 Jokes Friday and Some Shout Outs

Today's edition of 5 Jokes Friday is brought to you by...Chihuhua's Stephen Wright Dogs. I dare you not to laugh at these. I ...wait for it...double dog dare you.

"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles." -Steven Wright

"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. " -Steven Wright

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now." -Steven Wright

"The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." -Steven Wright

Joke #1 Unique Puppy

How do you find a Unique Puppy? Answer: You Neak up on it.

Joke #2 Yo Quiero
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can date me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "Nope, that's not creative enough." Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone! Cheese mine."

Joke #3 How Many Dogs Do You Need to Change a Lightbulb?
Boxer: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Labrador Retriever: Oh, me, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeze? Please, please, please?
Golden Retriever: The day is young. The sun is shining. We've got our whole lives ahead of us. And you're inside the house worrying about a burned out bulb?
Jack Russell Terrier : I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the furniture and walls.
Cocker Spaniel: Why bother changing it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Australian Shepherd: First, let me put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Rottweiler: Try and make me.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring I find that's not up to code.
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people out of the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed anyone and made one last perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that dumb lamp!
Poodle: Let me just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails should be dry.

Dog Ads - Funny Misprints

*FREE PUPPIES: part German Shepherd - part dog .

*FREE PUPPIES: ½ Cocker Spaniel - ½ sneaky neighbor dog.

* FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.

* GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lb., neutered, speaks German, free.

* FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be a reward.

* CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 Cents or best offer

* FREE: Farm kittens, ready to eat.

* KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - seeking good Christian home

Dog Works
One day, a company posted a notice saying that they needed a employee that is good with typing, good with computers, and is bilingual. The next day, a dog wanders in. As a joke, the secretary took the dog into her boss' office and said, "Sir, this dog is here for the job."

"Ok, um... mr. dog are you good with typing."

The dog jumps onto the computer and types a perfect letter

"Ok, sir. now you need to be good with computers."

The dog jumps back on the computer and makes a perfect spread sheet

"Ok" said the boss "sorry but u have to be bilingual."

the dog walks up to him and says, "Meow."

And now...Time for some Mad Dog Blogger Shout Outs!

Shout out #1 is for everyone who is racing this weekend.

Julie , who when not blogging, often hangs out at signmeup.com. Go wish her "Good Luck!" in running the Maple Grove 5K tomorrow. Rumor also has it that she just...wait for it...signed up for her FIRST Marathon!!

It seems there's a bad case of "I went into this race feeling like crap, but then I PR'd" sweeping the nation. Maybe these people are just now shirking off the effects of Snowpocalyspe...Whatever. Shout out #2 goes to AZ and sRod, who both got Marathon PR's recently. Go show them your jealousy love and admiration. Do it now. Nice job, guys. I only hope to feel as crappy as you someday!

Happy Friday, all!

Friday, Bloody Friday

With body and mind on the mend, I was happy to get back to running yesterday. I spent a leisurely 2 hours on the Bent Creek Trails and enjoyed every humid, happy moment of it.

Here's the remaining evidence of my recent trail beating (hopefully, you're not eating):

Post Race Thoughts

I am so ready for more punishment!!!

That was easy.

That brings us to your 5 jokes. Here they are:

Joke #1 Termite

Termite walks in to a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Joke #2 Don't Step On A Duck

There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident. They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance. God says, "Alright, but don't step on a duck. The drunks reply, "Why ducks?" God repeats, "Just don't step on a duck." The drunks agree and go back down to earth. A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck. Instantly, he's chained to the ugliest woman in the world. A month goes by and the second steps on a duck. The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world. He says, "God, what did I do for this?" The girl says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Joke #3 Duck In A Feed Store

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay" and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No," comes the reply."Got any duck feed?"

Joke #4 Blonde

There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they are all in grade 3. Which one is hottest?The blonde because she is 18.

Joke #5 Out On A Limb

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are hanging out on a limb of a cliff.As the limg begins to give away the brunette say, "One of us is going to have to let go or we will all die."The redhead gives a long impressive speech about how she has lived the most and that she will be the one to let go. The blonde is so impressed that she starts clapping!


Finally...

Aaaaawwwww... Look at this adorable picture of the Blackhawk Boys:

Happy Friday!

5 Jokes Friday

Flowers Friday!

Look at this beautiful flower arrangement. This is what was waiting for me at my desk this morning. Wow! It's a "thank you" from Kristin Harkey at CMLC. What a great way to start the weekend!

It was such a pleasure working with Kristin to coordinate our participation in the race, that I would actually like to find a way to become more involved with CMLC on a forward going basis. That must be the ultimate compliment, huh? Of course, as a condition of my involvement I would expect flowers on a regular basis...

5 Jokes Friday
And now for your Friday reading pleasure, I've prepared the following 5 Jokes. There's something for everyone today: Lawyer jokes, Blonde jokes, Inappropriate Cattle behavior -it's a virtual perfect storm of politically incorrect jokes. Enjoy!

#1 - Doctor And Lawyer Talk
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

#2 - Revenge of the Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

#3 - Gotta Love Those Scots!

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono – lead singer of the rock band U2 – asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.' A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...“'Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil foockin bastard!”

#4 -Mujibar Gets A Job

Mujibar was trying to geta job in India . The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using the wordsYellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready." The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, andI pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

#5 - Three Blondes
A guy is having a drink in a bar.

A lot of drinks.

A very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lbs. and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" and 220 lbs; she's an ex-pro wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6' 5",weighs 250 lbs., and she's a kick boxer professional. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy blinks, swallows, and thinks about it for a second then says; "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."!

Blackhawk Boys T-Shirt Weiners!

Drum roll, please.

The weiners of the Blackhawk Boys T-Shirts are:

Roisin weins the Medium shirt!!! Oooh Ahhhh Wheeee....

Georgia Snail weins the Large shirt!!! Thunderous applause....

Congratulations, guys! E-mail me your address at pwimberly@drsmgmt.com or, if you are one of the few unfortunate ones my server at work hates, psyche.wimberly@yahoo.com and I will get your shirt out to you pronto. Now go out and have yourselves a great weekend, knowing you're weiners!


Photo Fun

I took this at Barnes and Noble last night. In the kids section. ...Perhaps Leopold is preparing for next week's animal-themed 5 Jokes Friday?*

And finally. 'Cause what's a Friday without a little rude Cattle humor?

Everyone gets stuck once in a while.

Just Remember....














NOT EVERYONE WHO SHOWS UP IS THERE TO HELP.

* Look closely at the animals in this picture.

5 Jokes Friday

MAD COWS

2 cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Hey, have you heard of that Mad Cow disease that's goin' around?" The other cow replies, "Yeah. Makes you kinda glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

THREE COWS*

There were 3 cows. A Red Cow, A Blue Cow, and a Yellow Cow, all of them on one side of an eighteen lane superhighway. One day, they were busy grazing along, when they realized they were out of grass... So they were thinking to themselves if they could just get to the OTHER side of the superhighway, they could eat the grass over there. So the Blue Cow was thinking to himself, and he comes up with an idea. He walks up to the telephone pole, climbs up it, walks across the line to the other side, climbs down the other side, and starts eating the grass on the other side. So the The Red Cow starts thinking to himself if the Blue Cow can do it, so could he. He comes up with an idea, and backs up away from the highway, runs, jumps, leaps over ALL 18 lanes, lands on the other side, and starts eating the grass. So the Yellow Cow, left all alone, is thinking to himself if the Blue Cow could do it, and the Red Cow could do it, then so could he. He comes up with an idea, and he walks out in to traffic. He gets run over by an 18 wheeler and dies. The Red Cow turns to the Blue Cow and says, "Moooooooooo".

TWO COWS

CAPITALISM AMERICAN STYLE- You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and start a herd of cow.

BEURACRACY, AMERICAN STYLE- You have two cows. The government takes the milk and pays you for it and then pours the milk down the drain.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

DEMOCRAT -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. REPUBLICAN -You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST -You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST -You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

FLORIDA CORPORATION -You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.

AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

POLISH CORPORATION -You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

KNOCK KNOCK

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Impatient Cow.

Impatient cow, wh MOO!

2 COWS IN A FIELD

Theres 2 cows in a field, One cow looks at the other cow and says "moo." The other cow looks back and says "I was just going to say that."

Happy Friday, everyone!

* Me thinks the Mad Cows wrote this one.

5 Jokes Friday

On Wednesday I was scheduled to run 15 miles, with the last 8 miles at marathon pace. That run just did.not.happen. From the moment I began, it felt like failure draped in despairI was working too hard to maintain my base pace.

At 4 miles, I was fairly sure this run was going down as a FAIL. There are days when you know you have it, days when you hope you have it, and days when you know you absolutely do not have it. Unfortunately, my day was hiding behind door number 3.

6 miles in, I decided to kill myself shorten the overall length of the run and begin the marathon pace part of the run. No deal. Ugh- I was just working way too hard to maintain pace. My legs didn't feel dead, exactly, but there was certainly no spring in my step. I was really concerned at the effort it took to reach marathon pace, and how bad I felt at the thought of maintaining it (and not "good" bad like, "You know I'm bad. I'm bad. You know it. Shum-on").

So I followed the standard back up plan for these situations, which is: Throw a tantrum and curse the running gods If I feel terrible on a run, I'll switch to a shorter, faster workout. If the shorter, faster workout feels terrible but I'm hitting my times, I stay with it. If it feels terrible and I'm not hitting my times, then I switch to a recovery run.

Here's how that strategy worked out for me:

I switched to 3 x 2 miles at Tempo pace. About 300 yards later, I knew there was no way I was up for that workout. I was done for the day. D.O.N.E. No recovery run. Just stop the eff running done.

My next plan of action: figure out why I feel this way, and put it behind me.

All I really came up with was that I was not recovered from Saturday's extra-hard workout. Perhaps the super-fast finish took way more out of me than a "regular" fast finish. (I think I need to stop saying 'fast finish'. I'm creeping myself out).

If I really think about it, what I felt like was...not recovered. I guess that's OK. Most likely, if Brad Hudson were advising me he'd say, "Psyche, my plan was written with the 28 year-old male in mind. You are old, and you need more days of recovery." And I'd be just fine with that. So, that's what I'm gonna pretend happened.

Oh, in case you're thinking, "Psyche, these are some pretty crappy jokes you have there on this fine Friday..."

Here's your 5 Jokes!
Joke #1: What dou you call a fish with no eyes?A FSH…

Joke #2: Chinese Sick DayHung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."



Joke #3: Need A Bad Day To Get Into HeavenIt got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


Joke #4: Two Fish In A TankTwo fish in a tank – one says to the other, “How do you drive this thing?”…


Joke #5: Best DogA doctor, an architect, and lawmonkey an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.

LawnomkeyThe attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside

to play golf.

5 Jokes Friday

It's a crazy busy day today. However, I want to make sure to wish everyone who's racing this weekend the best of luck - and speed!

I'd also like to send a shout-out to John at Hella Sound. Thanks for the coupon, man. I am downloading as I type! Just so ya know, I have not listened to "regular" music while running since discovering Hella Sound. Awesome!

...And now here are your five jokes:

Joke #1 - Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney was recently faced with a unique problem . A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done . She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ..

Joke #2 - Short Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Joke #3 - Blonde Car Accident

Oe day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Joke #4 - Dead Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Joke #5 - Blood Test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely. The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Have a great weekend, all!